Monthly Archives: December 2007

Aaron and Noah

As I was leaving the bar on Saturday night and about to get into my car I noticed something very interesting about the car next to me. 

A license plate holder that said “Aaron and Noah”. 

Now I haven’t done my homework on this yet, but I am pretty sure that there are no spellings in the English language that could possibly make either of “Aaron” or “Noah” female.  Its possible that “Aaron” and “Noah” are somebody’s kids or cats or fish, but the little heart between their names led me to believe otherwise. 

Which is why I am wondering why gay people always need to over-hype their gayness.

Being that I exude heterosexuality I usually don’t go walking around telling everyone how straight I am.  But for some reason it seems to me that gay men always want everyone to know what goes on “behind” their closed doors.  I may be ignorant, but I just don’t get the whole flaming gay guy thing.  If you want to suck cock, that’s fine if that is what you are into.  Why though must you let everyone else in on your little secret?  Don’t walk around all limp wristed with that flaming voice and those pink shoes.  Just be gay.  I don’t even care if you hold hands or kiss in public because that’s what people in love do.  I have nothing against gay people.  However, when you are alone you need not parade your gayness around to everyone you come in contact with.  Nobody cares to be reminded that you take it in the butt once you leave the office.  On the same note, nobody needs to know either.  Keep your gayness to yourself and I promise to keep my straightness to myself and we will all be happier people.


Ninja Parade

In Modesto California people lined the streets for the annual ninja parade, but once again, the ninjas slipped through the town unnoticed.  This was the 30th consecutive year that no ninjas were spotted.  Coincidentally this was the 30th year they have held the parade.  You can see the video here, courtesy of The Onion. 


I usually don’t get too wrapped up in all the celebrity crap like Lindsay Lo-Life getting arrested for DUI or who Paris is blowing, but from time to time you can’t help but hear or notice stuff you normally wouldn’t pay any attention to.  And lots of times said stuff makes you angry and or jealous.

I want to be Kevin Federline when I grow up.

Yes you heard that right.  I am aspiring to be a no talent having scrub.  Think about it.  He was banging Brittney when she was still hot, got out when he realized she was a plane crash waiting to happen (sorry but the phrase “train wreck” is totally overused).  He escaped with her kids and a good chunk of her money, and is now getting paid $200,000 to show up at the Tangerine Lounge in Las Vegas on New Year’s eve. 

Because apparently people are willing to pay to watch him do nothing all night.  So, like I said, I want to be Kevin Federline when I grow up.

Insurance Fraud

As I get older and wiser and more in tune with my grown-up side, I notice certain things that I don’t particularly like or agree with. Most of these things can’t be changed. Like the fact that weekends will never be three days long during non-holiday situations. I have to deal with that.

But what I have to deal with and am being forced to deal with are two different things. In my opinion, auto insurance is the biggest scam going, and EVERYONE I have spoken to, including people that work for insurance companies agree with me. First off, I must admit that I have not had any problems with my auto insurance in the past few years. That is probably because I have not had to use it for anything and they just keep stealing my money. I pay $1650 a year for a service that I don’t use. Well, at least haven’t used in a while (Knock on wood). The last time I tried to use my insurance was when I was 20 and got into a really bad car accident. I was driving straight and a Corvette, driving on the opposite side of the road trying to make a left, decides to floor it and beat me to the point of where he was making the turn. (bear in mind there was nobody visibly behind me). So instead of waiting a few seconds for me to pass and make his left turn, the jackass floors it and SPLAT! Front of my car looked like an accordion and you couldn’t tell if his car was a corvette or an accord. Both of us walked away unhurt (somehow). Now this guy comes over and says how he owns a body shop and we should go to his place and take care of it. Obviously I told him he was crazy because I was young and hadn’t had the lovely experience of getting my car wrecked or dealing with insurance companies yet. So I started getting to the point where I was going to beat the hell out of the guy and demanded that police get involved and we go through insurance. He didn’t want to go through insurance but I was having it. After all, why should I care about him, it was completely his fault and there is no possible way this could go any way but in my favor. So after 30 minutes of arguing with this guy, the cop finally shows up and we end up going through insurance. About a week later, I get a phone call from some woman at the insurance company that went something like this:ME: Hello?

Woman: Hi, is this Craig?

ME: Yes

Woman: Hi, I am the stupid fucking cunt from the insurance company, how are you today?

ME: Um, ok, what is going on?

SFCFTIC: I am the adjuster and I just wanted to let you know your accident claim has been approved for 70%.

ME: 70% of what?

SFCFTIC: The total damage of your car.

ME: What do you mean only 70%? This guy crashed into me.

SFCFTIC: Well, from the angle of the damage and from the information in the police report, I have determined that you could have avoided this accident.

ME: Silence

SFCFTIC: Sir, hello?

ME: Are you fucking serious? You weren’t even there. What qualifies you to assess the damage of an accident that you weren’t even at?

SFCFTIC: That is my job sir.

ME: Well make it your job to go find my other 30% because this is horse crap.

SFCFTIC: I’m sorry sir, it has already been processed at 70%. You will have to pay the other 30% of the damage.

ME: I hope you get into an accident on your way home and you get fucked by your insurance company. Have a great fucking night.

My first major issue with this is how somebody that isn’t present at an accident qualified to make an assessment of the damage? This accident was clearly no fault of mine and I got 70%. Complete bullshit. My second major issue was they then raised my rates because I used my insurance.

Uh huh.

So I pay $1650 to the insurance company, so that if by chance somebody crashes into me, somebody that wasn’t at my accident will determine that I only deserve to be reimbursed for 70% of the damages, and then I get my rates raised after having to pay 30% of my damage out of my pocket.

Don’t even get a speeding ticket. Rates get raised for that too, because you are a higher risk to them of having an accident. Let’s not mention that when you get a ticket you don’t use your insurance for any reason. Like if someone is going 35 MPH in a 25 MPH zone.

Because someone driving 35 is a huge risk of getting into an accident right?

So now, someone gets a speeding ticket for going 35 in a 25, and now their insurance rates go up when they didn’t use their insurance for any reason. And if that ticket was in the same year as your accident, they can drop you if they want.

We pay for a service that we don’t use, if we use it gets more expensive, they then decide when you attempt to use it if you even qualify for the full amount, and if you don’t use if you get to keep paying and you don’t get any money back. But what happens when we don’t use our insurance for a year? How about people that don’t use their insurance for 5 or 10 years? Do they get a percentage refunded to them? No. The insurance company keeps every cent of it. No wonder people try and scam insurance companies all the time, insurance companies scam their clients every day.

Playing the Odds

mr-met.jpgWhen the winter meetings came to an end without Omar Minaya acquiring a frontline starter, I had that same sick feeling in my stomach that I had after the epic collapse. 

 And now I am realizing that there is really no help coming.

 As much as this franchise needs the jolt of electricity that landing Johan Santana will bring, the reality is, he isn’t coming.  The worst part about that is the fact that we have what it takes to get the trade done, but Omar refuses to pull the trigger because he doesn’t want to deplete the farm.  If we could trade Aaron Heilman, Kevin Mulvey, Mike Pelfrey, Carlos Gomez, and Fernando Martinez for Santana, its a trade we need to make.  Johan Santana is an established ace.  He gives your team a great chance to win everytime he steps on the mound.  He isn’t game-changing, he is franchise-changing.  He is that good.  The facts are that there is a pretty good chance that NONE of these prospects will ever become viable major leaguers.  The last time the Mets made a trade of this magnitude was also with Minnesota for Frank Viola.  The Mets gave up five young pitchers.  Kevin Tapani, Rick Aguilera, David West, Jack Savage, and Tim Drummond.  At the time, David West was the Mets can’t miss pitching prospect.  In his BEST year he had seven wins.  SEVEN!  Tapani went on to become a decent #2 level starter and Aguilera became a great closer but three of the five players fell of the map without ever making a splash. 

In fact, take a look at all of the Mets so called big prospects over the recent years:  Alex Escobar, Paul Wilson, Bill Pulsipher, Ed Yarnall, Yusemeiro Petit, Preston Wilson, Julio Valera, Robert Stratton, Billy Traber, Grant Roberts, and Royce Ring (the closer of the future).  Even Alex Ochoa who we got from Baltimore in the Bobby Bonilla trade was a complete bust.  The Mets either have terrible luck with prospects or their prospects aren’t that good to begin with.  The only Mets prospects I can remember being any kind of good are Gooden, Strawberry, Dykstra, and Kevin Mitchell. 

That was a very long time ago.  This team is built to win now.  It has a great foundation with Wright, Reyes, and Beltran.  If Omar doesn’t put the proper players around them this team will be destined to be the the Buffalo Bills of the 90’s.  Almost good enough, but not quite.  Johan Santana will fix that.

Even if any of the prospects the Mets tade for Santana do actually become decent baseball players, nobody will care.  Just ask a Red Sox fan if they care about the fact that Hanley Ramirez is the second best SS in the NL while Josh Beckett is mowing people down in the World Series.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas  merry-kwanzaa.jpg

I remember a time not too long ago when I could simply say “Merry Christmas” to someone and they would respond “you too” or “thank you” regardless of their religious affiliation.  However, I believe now we have finally come to a point in time where we have to work so hard not to offend people, or leave out specific groups that we can no longer celebrate our own holidays the way we choose. 

We are trying so hard to be politically correct that we are completely losing our sense of what we are celebrating in the first place.  I wonder how many people that are reading this right now sent out a “Season’s Greetings” card?  I guarantee, every single person that sent out a “Season’s Greetings” card did it because they were afraid that they might offend someone if they sent out a “Merry Christmas” card.  This is ridiculous and needs to come to an end right now. 

If Merry Christmas offends you then tough crap.  If you are Jewish or Muslim or whatever, and you received a Merry Christmas card, deal with it.  I am not celebrating your holiday, I am celebrating my own and I am choosing to share it with you.  If that offends you than let me know and I will cross you off my list. 

I have many Jewish friends.  If they all sent me Happy Chanukah cards, I wouldn’t be offended, I would be happy that they are thinking of me during their holiday.  There are like nine billion religions.  If your particular group or situation isn’t in the social majority, you have to get over it and realize that the rest of the world isn’t going to succumb to reducing the value of their own holiday to avoid offending you and yours.  Now, let me say that I am not in any way, shape, or form, attempting to offend anyone or piss anyone off.  But If you are going to lose sleep over receiving a “Merry Christmas” card in the mail, or if seeing a nativity scene in the middle of your town makes you angry for some reason, then your problems run way deeper than you are probably willing to admit. When I see a Menorah in a window at my local post office, I don’t feel the need to protest sending mail.  If I see a commercial for Kwanzaa while watching the Giants game on Sunday, I don’t call up to cancel my cable subscription.  Things like that don’t offend me, they allow me to celebrate the freedoms which make this country great.

Below is “the perfect holiday card” for what our society has become. I can’t take credit for writing it, but its great.  Read on and enjoy. 

Merry Christmas.

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of any and/or all holidays occurring before, after, during or near the winter solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only “America” in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, color, creed, age, sex, physical ability, veterans status, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wished.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where taxed or prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and such warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Pickup Lines that will not get you laid

Hold out two fingers and say: “Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?” (I don’t know.) “‘Cause they’re mine sweetheart.”

I’d walk a million miles over broken glass just to meet the guy that fucked you last.

I have a six inch tongue and I can breath through my ears.

Is it cold in here or are you just happy to see me?

I’m not really this tall, I’m standing on my wallet.

You don’t sweat much for a fat chick.

(Step on some ice)  Now that I broke the ice, what’s your name?

Inheriting 60 million dollars doesn’t mean much without someone to share it with.

My friends over there bet that I wouldn’t be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?

Hey do you live on a chicken farm? You’re really good at raising cocks.

Lets play Pearl Harbor, I lay down and you blow me to heaven.

You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno.

I’m no weather man but the forecast is calling for several inches tonight!

The only time I’d kick you outta bed would be to fuck you on the floor!

Let’s go to my place and do the things I’ll tell everyone we did anyway.

Mind if i stand here until it’s safe where i farted?

Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under.

If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d have five cents.

When God made you, he was showing off.

Man: Do you like to dance?
Woman: Yes !
Man: Well then could you go dance so I can talk to your friend?