Monthly Archives: January 2008

Show Me The Money!

money.jpgIf somehow on Friday the NY Mets manage to screw this up and not sign Johan Santana to a long-term contract, it will be the darkest day in Mets history.  Worse than the collapse.  Worse than watching Doc Gooden throw a no hitter in a Yankee uniform.  Worse than Darryl leaving for LA.  Worse than not signing A-Rod the first time around, and worse than losing to the Yankees in the 2000 subway series.  The Mets would set a record for most cancelled season ticket packages in one day. 

They need to somehow convince Mr. Santana that people with 150 million dollars are no happier than people with 130 million.  I mean, unless he wants to buy a rocket ship, there is no way anyone can possibly spend that much money.  Not unless they had three lifetimes. 

And if the Mets do manage to pull this off, it will instantaneously become one of the greatest acquistions in Mets history.  Santana will catapult this team to the level of the Red Sox and Yankees.  They will be the team to beat in the National league.  Fans will forget about Tom Glavine not getting out of the first inning when a win would have at minimum, secured a tie for the division.  We will be thinking about THIS year, not dwelling over last year.

A week ago I found myself thinking that I really didn’t care that baseball was right around the corner again.  Now I am counting down the days until pitchers and catchers.  I’m still trying to comprehend how the Twins accepted less for Johan Santana then they got from the Rays for Matt Garza.  I mean, Delmon Young is by far the best prospect out of the bunch, right? 

I even already thought of Santana’s first Mets commercial.  You can have Johan Santana, Mike Pelfrey, and Carlos Beltran eating off of the dollar menu at McDonald’s.  Johan and Beltran get into an argument over who is going to pick up the tab, so Pelfrey pays it.  Then you cut to Beltran and Santana leaving on their private jets while Pelfrey is riding a bicycle home. 

Rambo

rambo.jpgWhen I first heard that Rambo was coming out I thought that it was being re-released in theatres because Sylvester Stallone spent all his money on steroids.  I only found out it was a new movie like three weeks ago.  I swear.  I thought this was the worst idea for a movie since, well, Rocky Balboa.  But then somewhere between not realizing this was an actual new movie and this movie being released, I decided that it would be a good idea to go see it.

I was wrong.

It was a great idea.  This movie was exactly what I expected it to be.  An hour and a half of Rambo running through the jungle, taking out entire armies by himself, stuff blowing up, body parts flying, blood, gore, and bullets.  There was also like a six or seven minute stretch that could possibly be the best acting of Stallone’s career.  He didn’t speak.  He drove a boat up a river and didn’t say a word.  It was perfect. 

Rambo is entertaining enough to go see, but I wouldn’t waste a weekend night on it.  Not unless you are the type of guy that can’t get a girl to have sex with you.

Mets Make a Deal

johan.jpgI have super powers.  I single handedly fucked and unfucked the Mets.  Last September the Mets offered a “pennant race pack”.  Anyone who bought it got tickets to every game for the rest of the season (17 games), and was guaranteed playoff tickets for the 2007 season.  Additionally,  if you continued your season tickets through the 2008 season, you would get “priority” seating in the new stadium for the 2009 season.  Get it? 

I didn’t think so. 

After convincing my wife that the tickets were going to pay for themselves because a) the Mets had a 7 game lead with 17 to play, and were definitely going to make the playoffs, because there was no way a team could blow a lead like that, and after I sold the playoff tickets we may end up making money on the deal.  And b) because when the new stadium opens we will have a hot ticket that everyone will want and we will make even more money selling all of the games. 

And thus I “Craiged” the Mets.

As soon as my credit card number was keyed into the Shea Stadium credit card machine the Mets didn’t stand a chance.  They went on to lose game after game in the most epic collapse in baseball history.  They missed the playoffs.  I lost money on the deal because I got stuck with games I couldn’t go to or get rid of and since they missed the playoffs, I got to spend an extra $3000 on playoff games that never took place. 

Enter 2008.  I get my renewal letter in the mail and decide to wait until the last possible second to renew my tickets because I was still annoyed about them not making the playoffs in October and they hadn’t added one viable player to improve the team.  I then decide to go ahead and renew the tickets anyway because I was going to make money on the new stadium in a year right?  And then about a week later I decide that I’m not wasting my money on games I’m not going to be able to get rid of because I’m not going to 81 baeball games.  Not if I want to stay married.  So I decide to call the Mets and cancel the season tickets that I just paid for, partially because they didn’t add a player this winter but mostly because it was going to be too hard to dump tickets.

And then a week later they make a trade for the best pitcher on the planet.

The Mets were officially “unCraiged”

Then I decided to buy a Mets six pack with a couple of my friends, so I “re-Craiged” them.  Which means that after Johan Santana’s third start he will schedule a visit with Dr. James Andrews in Birmingham Alabama and then need Tommy John surgery.  I am pretty sure they already booked the operating room for mid May.

Jackasses With Flashlights (or why I hate Jet Nightclub)

Of all the incredible places in Las Vegas, I had never been to one I didn’t like.  And then I went to Jet Nightclub at the Mirage.  There was not one redeeming thing about this place.  As soon as we entered Mirage we saw the never-ending line.  This place must be decent right?  The line stretches all the way into the casino?  Um, No.  The first thing that my cousin did was go on a recon mission.  He scouted the line for girls.  Partly because if we met some girls it would make our party of twelve dudes more likely to get inside this place and partly just to survey the action.  What he found was quite interesting.  The girls were average at best.  Now, being married it didn’t bother me as much as it bothered my younger, single, cousins/friends, but I still like to enjoy the scenery.  And to my surprise he was right.  The girls were the ugliest collection I have seen at a club in my life.  We may as well have been at some random place in South Dakota.  So at this point we are debating whether going to this place is worth it when I realized we were in vegas and there is absolutely no reason to ever wait in line.  I went on a recon mission of my own, but I was looking for the grease man.  Aka the guy I need to pay off so that we can walk right in and not have to wait in line.  It took me all of about 2 minutes to find a guy.  For an additional $20 per guy we got to skip the entire line and walk right in.  It didn’t even matter that we were twelve dudes.  Because like I mentioned in the last post, Vegas is all about finding the guy on the take.  So now we go into Jet and at first glance, it seemed pretty good.  Two long bars lined the outer walls and the dance floor was a few steps down in the middle.  (Picture a rectangle with the bars on the long walls, move five feet towards the center and down a few steps and there is the dance floor.) 

The first problem I had was I ordered four shots, two jack and cokes, and two beers and it cost $80 plus tip.  At MOST this should have cost me $58.  That works out to $7 per shot, $9 for each Jack and Coke, and $6 per beer.  I have absolutely no idea how what we ordered came out to $80 but I’m pretty sure Betty Boobs that took my drink order did the math wrong.  Either that or I just plain out got jobbed.  On to the fun stuff.  After we get our drinks, we have to step away from the bar because at this point the place is starting to fill up and other people need to get to the bar so they can get ripped off too. 

[enter jackass with flashlight]

This is the part where I start to get really annoyed.  As we are standing there trying to enjoy our $80 drinks there is a sudden flash of light in my face.  It felt like a police raid.  And then I hear “keep moving you can’t stand there, keep moving.”  Now I figure that since its my first time at the place that maybe there is some other area that we should be standing in.  We continue walking around only to have a flashlight shined in our face at every turn.  Just about every time we stopped moving there was a jackass with a flashlight telling us that we can’t stand there.  Now we go back to the bar.  We were standing two deep at the bar  when yup you guessed it, more flashlights!  There was absolutely nowhere to stand where there wasn’t somebody shoving a flaslight up your ass and telling you that you can’t stand there. 

The one good thing about the place is that its not too loud.  So you can actually hear your friends suggestions as to where you are going next because Jet sucks so bad.

Viva Las Vegas!

pure.jpgThe first thing you notice when you get off the plane at Macarron airport are the slot machines that you walk by before you even get your bags.  They stand there taunting you as if to say “you may as well leave all of your money right here and get back on the plane to wherever you just came from because that is what is going to happen anyway.” 

And then it begins.

Vegas is heaven and hell at the same time.  Its 24 hour a day fun.  Sleep is an afterthought.  As a matter of fact, its virtually impossible to sleep in Vegas.  In three nights, I slep a *combined* six hours.  I mean, I’m only there for three days I can sleep when I get home right?  Besides, if I go to sleep I’ll miss out on something.  Vegas never stops.  Which is why I would never recommend going there for longer than three nights.  Your body just can’t handle it. 

The interesting thing about Las Vegas is that everyone is on the take.  Money makes this town go ’round, and people aren’t shy about it.  It started when I checked into the MGM Grand.  When I booked my room online I said that there would be 2 people in a room, because the rate was cheaper.  When I checked in and asked for 3 keys per room, the guy at the desk said it would be an additional $40 per person per night.  Logically, I asked him if he could let that slide and his response was “so you are saying that you want me to save you some money?”  Which was really his way of saying “sure, no problem, as long as you slip me a $20, I don’t know anything.”  Which is exactly what I did.  I gave him $20 and he ignored the fact that we were going to be four in a room.  That was just the begining.  Everywhere you go in vegas there is somebody waiting to be greased.  It doesn’t matter if they are a doorman, club promoter, dealer, cab driver or whatever, people in Vegas expect to be tipped/greased/rewarded for every and any little thing they do for you and they are not shy about it.

Friday night we had a V.I.P table at Pure in Caesar’s.  Now for those of you who are unfmiliar with Pure, or are think you heard of it but are not sure why, Pure is probably on of the hottest clubs in the country.  Its where Brittney/Paris/Tara Reid/[insert name of filthy whore here] hang out.  Its imposible to get into.  Its even more impossible if you are a group of 12 guys which is what we happened to be.  Unless you roll V.I.P style in which case they know you are going to spend a ton of money and its ok if you come in.  But you can’t just walk up and say you want a V.I.P table, you have to know someone.  Luckily for me, I know a guy through a friend that is a promoter there.  I told him we were coming and he set us up with a V.I.P table right on the floor in the main room.  Prime Real Estate.  Now, for getting us this table we of course need to tip him. 
Usually I would slip him $100, but because he got us an extra special table I thought we should give him something extra.  I tipped him $250.  All he did was reserve us a table.  When he brought us to the table and I gave him his tip he looked at me and flat out told me we were being cheap.  He said that those tables get $400 tips.  Being that I didn’t want to be cheap and I may want him to hook me up again in the future, I forked over another $100.  He got $350 and the night hadn’t even started yet.  So now our hotter than hot waitress comes over and brings us a drink menu.  Being that there were 12 of us, we were required to buy four bottles. (one per every three people)  The cheapest one on the menu was $475.  A $35 bottle of grey goose was going for $550.  Now, being that this is not something you do all of the time, and this is one of the few times that you get to be the guy on the other side of the ropes, you pay whatever it is and deal with it.  Our bill for the night ended up being $4,003 which included a $670 tip (which was already built in to the bill).  The night ended up costing everyone about $350/person.  Way more than most reasonable, rational people would want to spend for a night out, but this was different.  We were paying for the experience of being on the other side of the the giant bouncers and for one night, it was worth it.  Vegas Baby, Vegas.

Gone Fishin’

vegas-sign.jpgWell, not exactly.  I’m heading out to Vegas for the next few days so their won’t be any new material for all you die hard fans out there.  (Both of you)  But rest assured I will post a detailed  post mortum  once I return. 

American Gladiators Review

hulk-hogan.jpg Joust, The Wall, Assault, Power ball, and The Eliminator return from the dead to join newer games such as Earthquake and Hit and Run. This is great.  I feel like I’m 15 again.  American Gladiators is back but this time they have water and fire and one of my childhood icons, Hulk Hogan!  The problem is that everytime Hulk opens his mouth you expect him to say something like “Well you know Mean Gene…” and that never comes.  Instead he says the word “brother” entirely too much.  My favorite line had to be when Hogan told a female competitor that she took more hits in two minutes of joust than he took in 30 years of wrestling.  I was really rooting for her to say something like “um, Hulk, isn’t wrestling fake?” that would have been an ESPN instant classic. 

The biggest problem I had with this show is that there was entirely way too much talking.  The action is great, but the interviews, and especially the smack talk seem forced.  One little Asian type girl actually said: “Just like I did in Med school, I’m going all the way to the top!”  That really scared the crap out of the Gladiators.

Speaking of the Gladiators, get a look at “Titan”.  He looks like plastic-man meets game show host on steroids.  Seriously, go look at him. 

Two of the funnier Gladiatior characters are “Wolf”, who actually looks like one and howls every chance he gets, and  “Helga”, who looks like the original “Nitro” had his balls removed and is giving it another go ’round.

All in all I would say that this show isn’t going to make you forget that its Monday night and you’re not watching “24”, but it will keep you occupied until the writers strike is over and Jack Bauer kicks it out of his time slot.