Category Archives: Uncategorized

Happy Valenswine’s Day

Everyone knows that Feb. 14th is Valentine’s day, but do you know what Feb. 13th is?  That’s right, Valenswine’s day.  That is the day you take out your “unofficial” girlfriend out while your wife/real girlfriend is at home wondering where you will be taking her the following night.  I’m not making this up.  Go out to any restaraunt and look around, any “couple” you see tonight probably has at least one eye looking over their shoulder to make sure they don’t get caught. 

Valentine’s day is a ficticious day invented by Hallmark and Russell Stover for the sole purpose of making money between Christmas and Easter.  And women love it.  And no matter how skinny your girlfriend/wife is, don’t come home without the chocolate.  She won’t let you forget it until next Valentine’s day.

Both of these days are for women, unlike a comepletely different holiday, March 14, which is steak and blowjob day.  This day is all about the man, and its exactly what is sounds like.  No cards, no roses, no chocolate.  Just a steak and a blowjob.  Isn’t it easy to keep us happy?

I’m going on vacation for a week, so there won’t be any new material until I get back.  Peace out.

Go away its been 36 years!

72-fish.jpgWhen Barry Bonds broke the homerun record, Hank Aaron had a video taped message congratulating him for his accomplishment.  Even though everyone knows Bonds cheated, Aaron did the right thing and sucked it up for the greater good.  When Peyton Manning broke the record for passing touchdowns in a season, Dan Marino was right there to congratulate him.  Same goes for when Brett Farve broke his passing yards record.  Marino sat down with him and did an interview, face to face, and told him how great his feat was.  When Wayne Gretzky broke Gordie Howe’s all time points record, Howe congratulated him.  As far as I can remember, every major record that has been broken in my lifetime has been broken with the former record holder either at the event, or on video with a prepared statement.

 So why is it that the ’72 Dolphins won’t go away?

Every time there is a team that even comes within 8 weeks of going undefeated the ’72 Dolphins are yipping and yapping about buying guys bottles of champagne to the first team that takes them down.  How is this possible?  How come I haven’t heard anyone say how classless this is?  Why won’t these guys go away?  Why can’t they just shut up and say congratulations like everyone else does?  I hope there are two undefeated teams in the superbowl next year so these guys get twice as pissed.  I don’t understand why I keep reading how the ’72 Dolphins are “getting nervous.”  What are they nervous about?  Do they think someone is going to take their rings away?  Did they even give out rings back then?  This is a bunch of crap, and I think these fish really stink.

I hate being sick.

ambulance-shirt.jpgSorry for the lack of posts this week but I have been home all week sick with bronchitis.  For those of you unfamiliar with bronchitis it sucks.  You can’t breathe because your lungs are filled with brown crap.  How do I know its brown you ask?  Because I cough it up about what seems to be every .08754 seconds.  Going to sleep has become a two hour process because that is how long it takes to lay down, get comfortable, get up, run to the bathroom, cough violently, hock up said brown stuff, and repeat every time I get comfortable. 

 Sorry, had to wipe the screen down.  Anyway, this is not how I planned spending the week before I left for Aruba.  

By the way, if anyone wants to know why my posts always start at the bottom of the pictures its because I have no clue how to not do that.  I was way to busy playing sports and having sex with girls to be reading dorky computer magazines.  Now I am begging for the dorks’ help.  If anyone knows how to fix this, feel free to drop me a line.

18-1

lombardi-trophy.jpgThere is only one thing that can beat perfection.  Determination.  And determination was the driving force that propelled the New York Football Giants past the New England Patriots in Superbowl XLII.  There was no lucky bounce, no bad call, no questionable spot of the ball.  Nobody slipped and allowed a receiver to get wide open, and there were no bad coaches decisions to blame.  The Giants came out and shocked the world.  They put a beat down on the Patriots that all of New England will never forget, and they put an end to the “perfect season”.

This team earned this.  They won at Tampa Bay, at Dallas, and survived the below freezing temperatures to win at Green Bay.  They beat Romo, Favre, and Brady.  That is what a champion does.  Win. 

Going into week 17 I was rooting for the Giants to bench their starters.  We were going to get blown out anyway, so why bother risking an injury to a starter in a game that didn’t mean anything?  I was telling my friends that I didn’t even care if we missed the playoffs because whoever got to the Superbowl was going to get smoked by the Patriots.  Then came week 17.  The Giants decided that they were going to lay it all on the line and try and win the unwinnable game.  They almost pulled it off.  They proved to the whole world that they could play with these guys.  They lost 38-35, but proved that they had what it takes to hang in there if the teams met again in the Superbowl.  That is when I realized that maybe this team was better then I thought.  Now the Partiots are 18-1 and the Giants have the last pick in the 2008 NFL draft.  Every other team in the league will now play their starters in week 17.  Just ask the Colts how benching all their starters in the 2nd half of week 17 worked out for them come playoff time.

All year I heard about how great it is to be a Boston fan.  The Red Sox won the World Series, the Patriots are undefeated, and the Celtics are the best team in the East.  Well, I think its time to realize that the tides have turned.  The Giants won the Superbowl and ruined the Patriots pursuit of perfection, the Mets got Johan Santana and are favored to get to the World Series.  We are one Isaiah Thomas firing from being right where they were only a few months ago.  This is New York sports euphoria.  It doesn’t get any better than this. 

Show Me The Money!

money.jpgIf somehow on Friday the NY Mets manage to screw this up and not sign Johan Santana to a long-term contract, it will be the darkest day in Mets history.  Worse than the collapse.  Worse than watching Doc Gooden throw a no hitter in a Yankee uniform.  Worse than Darryl leaving for LA.  Worse than not signing A-Rod the first time around, and worse than losing to the Yankees in the 2000 subway series.  The Mets would set a record for most cancelled season ticket packages in one day. 

They need to somehow convince Mr. Santana that people with 150 million dollars are no happier than people with 130 million.  I mean, unless he wants to buy a rocket ship, there is no way anyone can possibly spend that much money.  Not unless they had three lifetimes. 

And if the Mets do manage to pull this off, it will instantaneously become one of the greatest acquistions in Mets history.  Santana will catapult this team to the level of the Red Sox and Yankees.  They will be the team to beat in the National league.  Fans will forget about Tom Glavine not getting out of the first inning when a win would have at minimum, secured a tie for the division.  We will be thinking about THIS year, not dwelling over last year.

A week ago I found myself thinking that I really didn’t care that baseball was right around the corner again.  Now I am counting down the days until pitchers and catchers.  I’m still trying to comprehend how the Twins accepted less for Johan Santana then they got from the Rays for Matt Garza.  I mean, Delmon Young is by far the best prospect out of the bunch, right? 

I even already thought of Santana’s first Mets commercial.  You can have Johan Santana, Mike Pelfrey, and Carlos Beltran eating off of the dollar menu at McDonald’s.  Johan and Beltran get into an argument over who is going to pick up the tab, so Pelfrey pays it.  Then you cut to Beltran and Santana leaving on their private jets while Pelfrey is riding a bicycle home. 

Rambo

rambo.jpgWhen I first heard that Rambo was coming out I thought that it was being re-released in theatres because Sylvester Stallone spent all his money on steroids.  I only found out it was a new movie like three weeks ago.  I swear.  I thought this was the worst idea for a movie since, well, Rocky Balboa.  But then somewhere between not realizing this was an actual new movie and this movie being released, I decided that it would be a good idea to go see it.

I was wrong.

It was a great idea.  This movie was exactly what I expected it to be.  An hour and a half of Rambo running through the jungle, taking out entire armies by himself, stuff blowing up, body parts flying, blood, gore, and bullets.  There was also like a six or seven minute stretch that could possibly be the best acting of Stallone’s career.  He didn’t speak.  He drove a boat up a river and didn’t say a word.  It was perfect. 

Rambo is entertaining enough to go see, but I wouldn’t waste a weekend night on it.  Not unless you are the type of guy that can’t get a girl to have sex with you.

Mets Make a Deal

johan.jpgI have super powers.  I single handedly fucked and unfucked the Mets.  Last September the Mets offered a “pennant race pack”.  Anyone who bought it got tickets to every game for the rest of the season (17 games), and was guaranteed playoff tickets for the 2007 season.  Additionally,  if you continued your season tickets through the 2008 season, you would get “priority” seating in the new stadium for the 2009 season.  Get it? 

I didn’t think so. 

After convincing my wife that the tickets were going to pay for themselves because a) the Mets had a 7 game lead with 17 to play, and were definitely going to make the playoffs, because there was no way a team could blow a lead like that, and after I sold the playoff tickets we may end up making money on the deal.  And b) because when the new stadium opens we will have a hot ticket that everyone will want and we will make even more money selling all of the games. 

And thus I “Craiged” the Mets.

As soon as my credit card number was keyed into the Shea Stadium credit card machine the Mets didn’t stand a chance.  They went on to lose game after game in the most epic collapse in baseball history.  They missed the playoffs.  I lost money on the deal because I got stuck with games I couldn’t go to or get rid of and since they missed the playoffs, I got to spend an extra $3000 on playoff games that never took place. 

Enter 2008.  I get my renewal letter in the mail and decide to wait until the last possible second to renew my tickets because I was still annoyed about them not making the playoffs in October and they hadn’t added one viable player to improve the team.  I then decide to go ahead and renew the tickets anyway because I was going to make money on the new stadium in a year right?  And then about a week later I decide that I’m not wasting my money on games I’m not going to be able to get rid of because I’m not going to 81 baeball games.  Not if I want to stay married.  So I decide to call the Mets and cancel the season tickets that I just paid for, partially because they didn’t add a player this winter but mostly because it was going to be too hard to dump tickets.

And then a week later they make a trade for the best pitcher on the planet.

The Mets were officially “unCraiged”

Then I decided to buy a Mets six pack with a couple of my friends, so I “re-Craiged” them.  Which means that after Johan Santana’s third start he will schedule a visit with Dr. James Andrews in Birmingham Alabama and then need Tommy John surgery.  I am pretty sure they already booked the operating room for mid May.