Jackasses With Flashlights (or why I hate Jet Nightclub)

Of all the incredible places in Las Vegas, I had never been to one I didn’t like.  And then I went to Jet Nightclub at the Mirage.  There was not one redeeming thing about this place.  As soon as we entered Mirage we saw the never-ending line.  This place must be decent right?  The line stretches all the way into the casino?  Um, No.  The first thing that my cousin did was go on a recon mission.  He scouted the line for girls.  Partly because if we met some girls it would make our party of twelve dudes more likely to get inside this place and partly just to survey the action.  What he found was quite interesting.  The girls were average at best.  Now, being married it didn’t bother me as much as it bothered my younger, single, cousins/friends, but I still like to enjoy the scenery.  And to my surprise he was right.  The girls were the ugliest collection I have seen at a club in my life.  We may as well have been at some random place in South Dakota.  So at this point we are debating whether going to this place is worth it when I realized we were in vegas and there is absolutely no reason to ever wait in line.  I went on a recon mission of my own, but I was looking for the grease man.  Aka the guy I need to pay off so that we can walk right in and not have to wait in line.  It took me all of about 2 minutes to find a guy.  For an additional $20 per guy we got to skip the entire line and walk right in.  It didn’t even matter that we were twelve dudes.  Because like I mentioned in the last post, Vegas is all about finding the guy on the take.  So now we go into Jet and at first glance, it seemed pretty good.  Two long bars lined the outer walls and the dance floor was a few steps down in the middle.  (Picture a rectangle with the bars on the long walls, move five feet towards the center and down a few steps and there is the dance floor.) 

The first problem I had was I ordered four shots, two jack and cokes, and two beers and it cost $80 plus tip.  At MOST this should have cost me $58.  That works out to $7 per shot, $9 for each Jack and Coke, and $6 per beer.  I have absolutely no idea how what we ordered came out to $80 but I’m pretty sure Betty Boobs that took my drink order did the math wrong.  Either that or I just plain out got jobbed.  On to the fun stuff.  After we get our drinks, we have to step away from the bar because at this point the place is starting to fill up and other people need to get to the bar so they can get ripped off too. 

[enter jackass with flashlight]

This is the part where I start to get really annoyed.  As we are standing there trying to enjoy our $80 drinks there is a sudden flash of light in my face.  It felt like a police raid.  And then I hear “keep moving you can’t stand there, keep moving.”  Now I figure that since its my first time at the place that maybe there is some other area that we should be standing in.  We continue walking around only to have a flashlight shined in our face at every turn.  Just about every time we stopped moving there was a jackass with a flashlight telling us that we can’t stand there.  Now we go back to the bar.  We were standing two deep at the bar  when yup you guessed it, more flashlights!  There was absolutely nowhere to stand where there wasn’t somebody shoving a flaslight up your ass and telling you that you can’t stand there. 

The one good thing about the place is that its not too loud.  So you can actually hear your friends suggestions as to where you are going next because Jet sucks so bad.

Viva Las Vegas!

pure.jpgThe first thing you notice when you get off the plane at Macarron airport are the slot machines that you walk by before you even get your bags.  They stand there taunting you as if to say “you may as well leave all of your money right here and get back on the plane to wherever you just came from because that is what is going to happen anyway.” 

And then it begins.

Vegas is heaven and hell at the same time.  Its 24 hour a day fun.  Sleep is an afterthought.  As a matter of fact, its virtually impossible to sleep in Vegas.  In three nights, I slep a *combined* six hours.  I mean, I’m only there for three days I can sleep when I get home right?  Besides, if I go to sleep I’ll miss out on something.  Vegas never stops.  Which is why I would never recommend going there for longer than three nights.  Your body just can’t handle it. 

The interesting thing about Las Vegas is that everyone is on the take.  Money makes this town go ’round, and people aren’t shy about it.  It started when I checked into the MGM Grand.  When I booked my room online I said that there would be 2 people in a room, because the rate was cheaper.  When I checked in and asked for 3 keys per room, the guy at the desk said it would be an additional $40 per person per night.  Logically, I asked him if he could let that slide and his response was “so you are saying that you want me to save you some money?”  Which was really his way of saying “sure, no problem, as long as you slip me a $20, I don’t know anything.”  Which is exactly what I did.  I gave him $20 and he ignored the fact that we were going to be four in a room.  That was just the begining.  Everywhere you go in vegas there is somebody waiting to be greased.  It doesn’t matter if they are a doorman, club promoter, dealer, cab driver or whatever, people in Vegas expect to be tipped/greased/rewarded for every and any little thing they do for you and they are not shy about it.

Friday night we had a V.I.P table at Pure in Caesar’s.  Now for those of you who are unfmiliar with Pure, or are think you heard of it but are not sure why, Pure is probably on of the hottest clubs in the country.  Its where Brittney/Paris/Tara Reid/[insert name of filthy whore here] hang out.  Its imposible to get into.  Its even more impossible if you are a group of 12 guys which is what we happened to be.  Unless you roll V.I.P style in which case they know you are going to spend a ton of money and its ok if you come in.  But you can’t just walk up and say you want a V.I.P table, you have to know someone.  Luckily for me, I know a guy through a friend that is a promoter there.  I told him we were coming and he set us up with a V.I.P table right on the floor in the main room.  Prime Real Estate.  Now, for getting us this table we of course need to tip him. 
Usually I would slip him $100, but because he got us an extra special table I thought we should give him something extra.  I tipped him $250.  All he did was reserve us a table.  When he brought us to the table and I gave him his tip he looked at me and flat out told me we were being cheap.  He said that those tables get $400 tips.  Being that I didn’t want to be cheap and I may want him to hook me up again in the future, I forked over another $100.  He got $350 and the night hadn’t even started yet.  So now our hotter than hot waitress comes over and brings us a drink menu.  Being that there were 12 of us, we were required to buy four bottles. (one per every three people)  The cheapest one on the menu was $475.  A $35 bottle of grey goose was going for $550.  Now, being that this is not something you do all of the time, and this is one of the few times that you get to be the guy on the other side of the ropes, you pay whatever it is and deal with it.  Our bill for the night ended up being $4,003 which included a $670 tip (which was already built in to the bill).  The night ended up costing everyone about $350/person.  Way more than most reasonable, rational people would want to spend for a night out, but this was different.  We were paying for the experience of being on the other side of the the giant bouncers and for one night, it was worth it.  Vegas Baby, Vegas.

Gone Fishin’

vegas-sign.jpgWell, not exactly.  I’m heading out to Vegas for the next few days so their won’t be any new material for all you die hard fans out there.  (Both of you)  But rest assured I will post a detailed  post mortum  once I return. 

American Gladiators Review

hulk-hogan.jpg Joust, The Wall, Assault, Power ball, and The Eliminator return from the dead to join newer games such as Earthquake and Hit and Run. This is great.  I feel like I’m 15 again.  American Gladiators is back but this time they have water and fire and one of my childhood icons, Hulk Hogan!  The problem is that everytime Hulk opens his mouth you expect him to say something like “Well you know Mean Gene…” and that never comes.  Instead he says the word “brother” entirely too much.  My favorite line had to be when Hogan told a female competitor that she took more hits in two minutes of joust than he took in 30 years of wrestling.  I was really rooting for her to say something like “um, Hulk, isn’t wrestling fake?” that would have been an ESPN instant classic. 

The biggest problem I had with this show is that there was entirely way too much talking.  The action is great, but the interviews, and especially the smack talk seem forced.  One little Asian type girl actually said: “Just like I did in Med school, I’m going all the way to the top!”  That really scared the crap out of the Gladiators.

Speaking of the Gladiators, get a look at “Titan”.  He looks like plastic-man meets game show host on steroids.  Seriously, go look at him. 

Two of the funnier Gladiatior characters are “Wolf”, who actually looks like one and howls every chance he gets, and  “Helga”, who looks like the original “Nitro” had his balls removed and is giving it another go ’round.

All in all I would say that this show isn’t going to make you forget that its Monday night and you’re not watching “24”, but it will keep you occupied until the writers strike is over and Jack Bauer kicks it out of his time slot.

 

 

Driving While Stupid

 idiot3.jpgHere is a list of things I have personally seen people doing while driving their cars: Eating, shaving, putting on makeup, knitting, and my all time favorite, talking on the cell phone.  I even heard someone call a local radio station and say they saw someone driving with their feet.  That same person who happened to be listening to the show, then called the radio staion to defend her feet driving, by saying she drives better with her feet than with her hands. 

She probably thinks better with her ass too.  I can’t make this stuff up. 

So in the crazy world of feet drivers and shavers and eaters and definitely not drivers I find my favorite group of people: 

The ones who think that by putting their cell phones on speaker and holding the phone four inches in front of their face they are being “hands free.”  Because being hands free is the same as what they are actually doing which is being “ear free”.  Its like these people want to obey the law but they just can’t quite get all the way there. 

“Lets see, if I don’t hold the phone up to my ear I won’t get a ticket because its on speaker and I’m almost holding the phone up to my head but not really.” 

If I was allowed to give out tickets for this utterly incomprehensible behavior I could quit work and become a golf pro on an island somewhere.  Its not even that I saw one or two people doing this that bothers me, its that I see one or two people doing this every time I leave the house.  The worst part is that most cars now come with a bluetooth link so that you can talk to people through your car radio.  If you aren’t fortunate enough to have one of those cars, you can go buy a $50 bluetooth that you can wear on your ear, that will cost less than you will have to pay if you get a ticket for not having one.  The funny part is that its called “hands free”, but I think that some of these idiots think their hands are supposed to be free of the steering wheel.  So all of you speaker phone driver people do us all a favor: Shut up and drive! 

Aaron and Noah

As I was leaving the bar on Saturday night and about to get into my car I noticed something very interesting about the car next to me. 

A license plate holder that said “Aaron and Noah”. 

Now I haven’t done my homework on this yet, but I am pretty sure that there are no spellings in the English language that could possibly make either of “Aaron” or “Noah” female.  Its possible that “Aaron” and “Noah” are somebody’s kids or cats or fish, but the little heart between their names led me to believe otherwise. 

Which is why I am wondering why gay people always need to over-hype their gayness.

Being that I exude heterosexuality I usually don’t go walking around telling everyone how straight I am.  But for some reason it seems to me that gay men always want everyone to know what goes on “behind” their closed doors.  I may be ignorant, but I just don’t get the whole flaming gay guy thing.  If you want to suck cock, that’s fine if that is what you are into.  Why though must you let everyone else in on your little secret?  Don’t walk around all limp wristed with that flaming voice and those pink shoes.  Just be gay.  I don’t even care if you hold hands or kiss in public because that’s what people in love do.  I have nothing against gay people.  However, when you are alone you need not parade your gayness around to everyone you come in contact with.  Nobody cares to be reminded that you take it in the butt once you leave the office.  On the same note, nobody needs to know either.  Keep your gayness to yourself and I promise to keep my straightness to myself and we will all be happier people.

Ninja Parade

In Modesto California people lined the streets for the annual ninja parade, but once again, the ninjas slipped through the town unnoticed.  This was the 30th consecutive year that no ninjas were spotted.  Coincidentally this was the 30th year they have held the parade.  You can see the video here, courtesy of The Onion.